The Johnsonian

Issue date: 4/4/07 Section: Spin

When Hank Erring started noticing marks and imperfections on his upper torso last week, he thought nothing of it. He figured it was probably "only because he slept in a weird position."

After all, he had not been in any fights or participated in any type of physical contact activity.

However when the black and blue spots began to hurt, he figured out that it was his favorite pastime causing all the pain. It was Facebook's poke option.

"I'm probably on Facebook for an average of seven hours a day when I'm not sitting in East Thomson's lobby watching television," Erring, the junior mass communication major, said. "I look at pictures, yeah, but the finest attribute of Facebook is the poke.

"It's so funny to read that so-and-so has poked you. And the sexual innuendos affiliated with poking are non-stop! I can't tell you how many times I've told a girl, 'C'mon baby, let's poke. I'll use protection.' Of course I mean anti-spyware software, but you catch my drift. Or the classic phrase I say to my buddies before I leave for a date, 'If things go well, I'll be poking her in no time!'"

According to Erring, his pokes are usually returned. That's when his doctor says the bruises began to show.

"It was a very acute case of physiological control by the mind," said Havemercy Hospital's certified brain specialist Dennis Johnson. "His body began reacting to the system's message 'You have been poked.' It was because the message was so recurring that the body literally reacted as if it were being poked."

Thus, Erring's skin began to bruise as if someone had literally stuck their finger out and rammed it into the side of his ribcage.

"I should've figured something was up when I'd receive the message and wince in a bit of pain," Erring said.

As if being bruised was not enough, Erring also suffered brain damage when he attempted to open a "Can-of-whoop-ass" offered by Facebook.com as a gift.

"I would wake up dizzy and just feel faded after checking my profile," Erring said as he lifted his hand and pointed to his head. "My friend would send it to me as a joke, but it was not a joke. Nothing is funny about not being able to remember where you put your keys or what class you have next."

Erring recalled raising his hand in the middle of his writing 101 class and blurting out an answer pertaining to his math class.

"I was truly embarrassed because we were talking about clauses and I shouted 'closed set,'" he said.

Shock therapy has since helped Erring regain his normal mental capacity.

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